Tomorrow is the Day

Tomorrow morning we will welcome our special, surprise, baby into the world. I thought it would be worth writing my thoughts down before the madness of a new baby and a cross-country move set in.

First, let me acknowledge some things that happened during the pregnancy.  When we first found out and told people SO MANY wonderful women reached out both publicly and privately to share their own experiences of a similar situation.  I really appreciated this more than you know.  Mostly because I think in our world where so many are facing the emotionally and physically exhausting reality of infertility that it's a bit taboo to be a Mom who has an unexpected pregnancy and feel you cannot express your thoughts and fears.  Babies are a gift and wonderful and a miracle...right? So many people would kill to be pregnant.  But the fact remains that life, your life, has taken a 180* turn that you didn't plan on and that is hard to deal with.  I was thankful to hear from other mothers who felt the same worries, embarrassment and fear that I did.

( Getting ready included the all-important Pre-Baby-Pedicure on Saturday )

As this pregnancy progressed women continually reassured me that we would be okay, that I could handle this, that it would turn into a blessing...eventually.  These words sustained me through morning-sickness that has continued through to the very end, hip dysplasia problems and (most importantly) my own feelings of inadequacy at my abilities to mother five children.

Right around 20 weeks I felt a bit better.  Like everything would be okay and I could do this.  As the weeks progressed, that hopeful feeling faded and the old fear came back.  Then, we learned of the cross-country move and the fear was replaced by feelings of being so overwhelmed that I felt I was constantly drowning.  I began to just focus on getting the baby here safely first and worry about the rest as it came.

In a lot of ways I feel I am still a bit in denial.  It doesn't seem at all real that we are bringing a baby girl home next week and that we will then be a family of SEVEN.  I feel certain this will be a hard time.  That does not mean it will be void of all happiness.  Life can be very happy while being difficult.

I have always felt that motherhood had a constant thread of life experiences you don't think are possible to do, but you do them because you have to and it all works out.  From the first time you find yourself in hard labor and you get to that point.  That point when you are so exhausted and it hurts so much that you think, "Well, that's it.  I just can't do this. It's over." and you DO do it because you have to and you make it through and you realize you are made of strong stuff.

And then your child is in the hospital or you move across country with a three-week old or you lose a child or you deal with your child having a disability of some sort and you think, "Well, that's it.  I just can't do this. It's over."  But you move forward because there's no other choice. You're the Mom.  You make it through and you realize you are made of stronger stuff than you thought.

This is where we are. I still don't know how I can do this all. I still have no idea how we will make it through the next month.  But we will. Because we have to. And we are made of strong stuff.

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LITTLE UPDATE: Tonight at dinner we had the family weigh-in on their predictions for Baby C's coloring.  For the record our current kids have Red Hair/Blue Eyes, Red Hair/Blue Eyes, Brown Hair/Brown Eyes, Blonde Hair/Blue Eyes.  Here are the predictions...