After the major kiss, Matt drove away I went inside. It was late and everyone seemed to be in bed already. I went into the bathroom to wash my face and get ready for bed. I opened the door and found Sassy standing in front of the mirror, brushing her teeth. She glanced at me and then her mouth dropped open. She removed the toothbrush from between her lips and, with toothpaste still foaming in her mouth, she blurted out, "Oh my gosh! You kissed Matt!!!"
I was shocked and embarrassed and self conscious.
"What?" I squeaked out.
"YOU. KISSED. MATT!" she squealed.
"How do you know?" I stuttered.
She grabbed my shoulders and placed me squarely in front of the mirror. And there it was. The reflection of a girl who had just been thoroughly and savagely kissed. Mussed hair, blushing cheeks, swollen lips. It was all there, like a damning portrait of the completely obvious.
"Yeah...I totally DID!!!" I returned, with a slight girlish squeal in my voice.
And then comes the follow-up question every girlfriend asks when she hears her friend has just been rightly kissed.
"How was it?!"
"Amazing! Like...A-MAZE-ZING!"
And then the question on everyone's mind.
"What does this mean?!" she asked.
We spent the next hours in the quiet and dark living room discussing everything. My confused feelings. The sheer insanity of that kiss. The let down I was sure was coming. The triumph of seducing Matt before my two week deadline. My hesitancy to see him the next day. I went to bed, glad that someone knew my secret and glad to say out loud everything I was feeling. I tried not to think about the ominous dinner date awaiting me the following day. I had the day off of work so I had nothing to do but stay at home and obsess the details of that kiss, for better or worse.
* * * * *
Across town Matt returned to his apartment and was met by his roommate Bryan. While I was at home, re-living and analyzing each and every detail with Sassy, Matt and Bryan's conversation went like this...
Matt: So, I totally made out with Em tonight.
Bryan: Really? Wow.
Matt: Yeah.
Bryan: So, are you going to go for that?
Matt: I dunno, dude.
(End scene. )
* * * * *
The next morning I was left in my thoughts all day long, hoping that dinner time would come soon and also willing it to delay.
At around 5pm that day all of the roommates were home and bustling around the kitchen, getting ready for dinner time and their evening plans. Sassy was in our upstairs hallway with a perfect view of the street outside the
Crack House and when Matt pulled up and parked across the street she watched him approach the front door, unseen. Just as he was reaching the front porch and the open screened door she yelled,
"Emilie! Your LOVER is here!" at the top of her lungs.
Oh. my. gosh. I was so embarrassed. Matt stood frozen in the doorway while all of the roommates in the room froze and looked between us, their faces registering the realization of must have happened between us. I wanted to crawl back into my bedroom and shut the door. Forever. But there was nothing I could do except hope Matt hadn't heard Sassy's announcement.
We walked to his car in silence. Once inside the silence was brutal.
Matt spoke first. "So, I guess you told Sassy then?"
I blushed and squirmed in my seat. "I didn't really tell her as much as she took one look at me and knew. She was awake when I came in last night and...well...." I trailed off unsure of what to say to fix this awkwardness between us.
Matt resumed talking as if nothing had happened, slowly, but surely, easing the tension between us. I was grateful for his ease of letting go and steering things back to a normalcy we could both live with in the dinner date ahead. We decided on dinner at the
Golden Corral (because nothing says possible romance like stuffing your face until you feel like a fat-dog). We sat down to eat. We talked about everything...EXCEPT the kiss. It hung there between us in a palpable space we didn't acknowledge. Half way through our meal Matt commented on how good his steak was that day. I asked for a bite.
"Sure, you can have a bite," he said "but why not just go get one for yourself?"
"Because I just want one taste. I don't know if I want to commit to an entire steak." I replied.
Matt looked right at me, with a gleam of mischievousness in his eyes and a smile tugging at the corners of his lips and said, "I know
exactly what you mean".
The words hung between us for a moment. Their meaning was clear. I was so shocked that he would even say it that, for a moment, I was utterly silent.
"Am I
a steak in this scenario?!" I sputtered.
He smiled, a full, naughty, grin and stood up to refill his plate, leaving me sitting there with the ring of his words still surrounding me. When I had recovered I laughed a bit despite myself. He had addressed the elephant in the room head-on in the snarkiest way he could and he knew it. When he returned we finished our meal in easy conversation, but never brought up the kiss or commitment again.
As he drove me home I wondered...
what did it mean? Was he sorry he kissed me? Was our friendship over or just our kissing? As we got closer and closer to the
Crack House it occurred to me that we were going to part at some point that night. What should we do?
Handshake? Hug? Our dinner date to clarify our relationship had left me more confused than ever.
* * * * *
We drove up and Matt parked the car. We sat in silence for forever (or 20 seconds...I couldn't tell which) and then his cell phone rang. He glanced at the caller ID and I saw his face change suddenly. He looked at me nervously.
"It's Alison..." he said with surprise and hesitancy in his voice.
"You can take it. I'm okay." I said.
He answered. I heard his nervous, cracked Hello and after a second or two he gestured at me for permission to exit the car. I nodded. He got out and walked around to the back of the car and leaned against it. The CD in the stereo changed songs and I turned the music up in order to give his phone call the privacy it deserved. It had been almost a month since Alison had told Matt they could no longer be friends and they had not spoken since. I knew this would be a loaded conversation, no matter what the reason for her call was.
I sat back in my seat and allowed myself time to think. Alison was back. Why else would she call than to re-initiate their stunted dating relationship? Maybe she had broken up with Scott and was calling Matt to admit her mistake. I knew how much he cared for her. I knew because I was his best friend. One song finished and another one started. Then another. Then the CD had played completely. I listened to it again. It was Norah Jones' Come Away with Me album and it had not yet hit radio stations. We had listened to it together since Matt had somehow got his hands on an advanced release and these songs, one by one, reminded me of Matt. Of what I wanted our relationship to turn into.
I waited patiently in that car. Their conversation must have lasted 20-30 minutes. As I waited I prepped myself to be there for him. To encourage him to go after his happiness with Alison. To be the best friend to him I had become in our months together. He had listened and been there for me all of those nights on the front porch of my Mother's house as I poured out my fears and sad memories of childhood and now it was my turn to be there for him. I emotionally braced myself to be his friend.
Matt finally returned to his seat behind the wheel of the still running car. He looked at me with the face of someone who needs to speak and be heard. So I listened. Alison had called to say she was sorry. She had not meant to hurt Matt when she cut off their friendship so abruptly. Matt had been spending so much time with me she felt he wouldn't care when she broke off their contact, but then word had come back to her through their mutual friend that Matt was hurt. Really hurt. She was still dating Scott, but wanted Matt to know how important he was to her.
I listened with all of the caring and empathy a best friend has for another. I was happy he got this closure. Happy his broken heart could mend a bit. I expressed my happiness that he had had such a good conversation with Alison.
Suddenly, Matt exited the car and before I knew it, my door was opened. Matt offered me his hand and helped me out of the front seat, closing the door behind me. The stereo still played inside, sending slightly muffled stains to the outside of the car. Matt leaned up against the side of the car and pulled me to him, placing his lips on mine. No words passed between us, just warmth which flowed from his lips and from his arms wrapped around me tightly. It was a sweet kiss, with none of the raw passion of the night before. "...My heart is drenched in wine...." floated out of the car windows and wrapped us in its silken strands of sweet melody.
When he pulled away a short time later I looked at him, unsure of what he was thinking. Still confused on just where we were. He took my hand in his and together we walked across the street to my front door. There he gave me one small kiss and said good night.
I lay in bed that night still muddled and uncertain. He had not said what his intentions were or how he felt about me. Were the kisses that night the communication that he wanted more? Or was he just feeling vulnerable after his emotionally charged phone call? I fell asleep, no more sure of where we stood than I had the night before.
Decision. Decisions.
