These have been a rough few weeks for Matt and I. There are those times in life when everything seems to be magically falling into place. And sometimes you take it as a sign from God or the Universe that THIS is the path you were always intended to be on. But what about when the reverse happens? When everything seems to be unraveling?
Lots of thing feel unraveled in my life right now and I hate, hate, hate this feeling. I am supposed to say something now about faith and trust and knowing everything will right itself again, but I don't feel that way. Instead I just feel afraid. No, afraid sounds too grown up. It's more like scared. I'm scared. Life has ebbs and flows and right now is a tricky time, when I am barely keeping my head above water in every way.
Along with this fear and uncertainty comes daily reminders of what is good.
Ella reminds me of what is good when she just jumps in, without even being asked, and helps with the babies.
Evangeline reminds me of what is good when she comes and snuggles next to me in bed and we both read books silently next to each other.
Bianca reminds me of what is good when she laughs that crazy laugh she has, while showcasing her cute under-bite.
Jude reminds me of what is good when he lets me hug him and presses his cheek against mine in the morning when he first wakes up. And when he approves of my cooking with a very sweetly said, Mmmmm...Delicious! at dinner.
Cecilia reminds me of what is good with her adorable smiles of pure excitement when she first sees me in the morning and when she shakes her shoulders to dance along to Lenny Kravitz songs.
Matt reminds me of what is good when he presses forward with what he knows is right, even when it is hard. When he continues to stay even-keeled and always solid, even when he is in the midst of his own storms.
Life reminds me of what is good with cooler days when the sun still shines and makes me feel like I can do whatever I need to do. When we do small things that make life happy (like making a chocolate cake in a Sugar Skull pan and singing Jingle Bells as we sprinkle the top with powdered sugar). When we remember to put on music and dance in the Living Room together to make cleaning up slightly less horrid. When I can get lost in a good book under the covers at night when I can't sleep.
I needed to sit down tonight, on a night when I felt I might buckle from the weight of life resting upon my shoulders, and say that this is hard. I feel that is an important part of life. Yes, it is important to try and find perspective and count your blessings, but it is also important to say "This is really, really, hard right now." It helps me to look those challenges in the eye before piling positive thoughts on top of them, hoping to suffocate them completely and will them away.
These photos are from yesterday. Right before I took these photos, Jude was sobbing (and had been for 10-15 minutes), so was Cecilia, and I was very near tears. It took 3 or 4 photos of our sad faces (still in my camera phone) before we were able to turn it around and get some smiles, then some giggles, then some laughs. I am hoping life will follow suit.
To everyone who's life is really, really, hard right now:
I'm with you. We'll make it through. We always do.
Let the words of George Eliot find a place in our minds and drown out those fears,
“Hold up your head! You were not made for failure, you were made for victory. Go forward with a joyful confidence.”
