Life Lesson #13: Dream Dialog

img src

To my girls,

You will run into this strange phenomenon your entire life.  It has always perplexed me. People like to share long, rambling, dialogs about their wacky dreams.  But think about this for a moment.  What is the response?  Wow. Crazy dream. Weird.

Here's one of life's secrets: people don't care about your dreams.  At all.  Even if they make an appearance in your dream. They don't care.

Now, if it's like a life-changing dream where the exact details to achieving world peace are unfolded to you, then by all means, share it with your best-friend or spouse (and maybe write a letter to the President of the United States if it's a solid idea).  But if it's a crazy dream spawned by you eating half of a combo pizza past midnight - it's best to not relay them.

But if you DO share your dream my rule is to keep the story to one sentence and/or less than 15 words.

What TO do:

Dude, I had this awesome make-out dream with Ryan Gossling. You're jealous.

What NOT to do:

Oh my gosh!  Last night I had this crazy dream.  I was wearing just a poncho and I was performing in a stage version of The Cosby Show. Which is weird 'cause I'm not even black, right? And then when Vanessa tries to borrow my earrings and I freak out Theo comes in but he's actually Paul Reisor from Mad About You. Which is weird 'cause he's not even black, right?  So Theo tells us we have to make an apple pie for Rudy's dance recital.  And we go downstairs and it's the stage of the Tonight Show and the the other guest is Ryan Gossling.  And he's eating grapes. I mean, like crazy. He's pounding grapes like candy. And he's wearing a gladiator costume and I say "Why the costume Ryan?" and he's all "Oh, it's for a movie".  But why would he wear it to appear on The Tonight Show?  And I take my poncho off 'cause I'm hot and underneath I have on a swimsuit and I'm soooooo embarrassed, but Ryan says it's cool. And then we make out. And then Ryan Gosling turns into a snake, wearing a vest and he's rolling a doughnut....

* For more LIFE LESSONS click here.

5

on girlfriends

i've said it before,
i would DIE without them.

last night i got a text from a friend,
whose husband is away on a business trip,
with an invite to come by and gab all night.

i happily accepted.

we did just that....until 12:24 am.
i awoke this morning with half a voice.
totally worth it.

1

-120

BEFORE

No, I don't have a horrible, flesh-eating disease. 
I just have a horribly dirty bathroom mirror. 

AFTER

Minus 120 pounds.

13

Fashion Wrap Up: SAG Awards 2013

So, I've never watched the SAG Awards before, but it was quite nice. Especially the fashion and lack of crappy musical numbers. The fashion was a nice mix of good and bad. Please note the obsessive use of watermarks on my photos...even though, clearly, I didn't actually take them. You never know who's out there stealing your fashion blog posts, photos and all.  Oh wait...maybe you do.

HELLOO, MIDNIGHT BLUE

Jennifer Lawrence looked amazing in this midnight blue gown.  The hair and make-up were good and it fit perfectly.  Amanda Seyfried also rocked this color and I love her dress and jewelry.

FUNNY AND FABULOUS

This is the best either of these two has ever looked. Tina Fey is perfect in every way.  Amy Pohler looks younger than she has in a while and very glamorous.  But now to the infuriating and eternal question: why didn't you wear this on the red carpet of the Golden Globes?!!!

GLITTERY GODDESSES

Helen Hunt is perfection in this gown.  She always looks really amazing in silver.  I love her choker-style necklace too.  Jennifer Garner wears almost the same dress, but in gold.  She looks divine.

THE BAD

Oh, Keri Washington?!  You are always spot on!  But this looks like a wedding dress. Sorry, friend.  And Julianne Moore has the weirdest dress ever.  The ill-fitting cleavage and then the hideous, oh, so hideous black flowers!

THE VERY BAD

Kaley Cuoco looks a mess. Seriously.  Why does the top of her head look like Herman Munster?  Why?!   I looove Busy Phillips. Love. But this dress is very unflattering on her pregnant body.  I feel sooo bad, but you can actually see side rolls and ripples.  It's all wrong.

THE BAD DRESS + BAD HAIR

Remember when Julianna Margulies wore awful fake hair to the Golden Globes?!  Well, her awesome stylist has done it again. MORE fake hair!  Awful. And an awful dress to boot.  And January Jones...how dare you. I am personally offended by the dress, the make-up and especially the hair.

THE CRAY-CRAY

Morena Baccarin is in a shredded mess.  The thigh slits with fishnet beneath is super-trashy.  And Ariel Winter....sigh.  I mean, there just seems to be no hope for you.  Please remember, that 14 years old is NOT too young to hire a stylist.

HAIR MADNESS

Anne Hathaway wore Ferris Bueller hair to the show.  And I really, really hope that Alec Baldwin is preparing for a role as a mental patient. Otherwise there's just no accounting for that hair.  This is actually a good picture of it.  It was much worse on film.

HOW TO DO LEATHER:
A SIMPLE GUIDE TO GETTING IT RIGHT
and  
A CAUTIONARY TALE TO GETTING IT WORNG

Julie Bowen looked amazing in a leather dress that managed to gain a touch of elegance and softness with the sleeve detail. Her hair and make-up was the perfect compliment.  I am in love with this entire look.  However, Jane Lynch came dressed as an aging dominatrix.  Or maybe a gladiator?  Or a leather couch?

Weigh in, bloggies.
You KNOW you want to.

4

Help! That's NOT my face!

I snapped a photo of Evangeline and myself at Burger King this past weekend.  It entered my Instagram feed and when I glanced at it later I was startled....and rattled.

I don't recognize this person's face. 

It feels like someone else's face who kind of looks like me, but who is thinner and prettier than me.

Cue: Identity Crisis.

2

Blog Stalker 5000

Okay....so.....I don't really have words to express how weird this is, but here goes.

Emily Foley came across a blog this week (called MADNESS ENSUES: this, that & the mother) that just plagiarizes blog posts from Emily's blog and my blog...word for word. It's pretty much the freakiest thing ever. 

She steals portions of our "random thought thursdays" and post them as her own.  Some from mine and some from Emily's.  She also copies and pastes entire posts.  Entire posts, people.  Here's a screen capture from her blog...now, this (shown below) shows true dedication.  She even posted a lasagna recipe on her blog so she could link to it as I did in MY post!!!

There's also this stolen post about my weird obsession with sea creatures.  Or this one about board games.  or this post with my fashion review of the Royal Wedding.  Or this post with my top 10 fave episode of This American life.  You guys...I could go on and on.  She's been stealing my content verbatim since December 2010.  If you read my blog at all you will recognize these from Random Thought Thursdays...(these are all screen shots from HER blog)

Actually, YOU didn't draw it. I did. You're crazy lady.

This is my favorite one because she stole it from Emily Foley and who in the world steals something so totally stupid (sorry Emily).  Scintillating sneezing commentary anyone?

Stalker-woman ALSO shared a photo of Emily Foley's feet as her own!!! Hilarious.  And she copied a transcribed conversation that Emily F and her brother had and just changed the names "Emily" and "Delos" to her and her son's names!!!

This is just a very small sampling.  Emily and I stopped counting after a few hours of browsing.  There are probably, literally, over 50-75 direct rip-offs amid her posts.  You should have heard us on speaker phone last night...

Emily: Oh! There's a picture of my flip-flops!

Me: There's slutty C3PO!

Emily: That's a conversation I had with my brother and she just put the names of her and her kid into it.

Me: You know, I tried that toaster on it's side thing and my toaster almost caught on fire. She had better not try it.

Emily: The weirdest thing is the picture of my foot. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to get over that one. 

Me: I looooove how she posted about Gallup, NM as if she totally knows where it is. She's probably outside your house right now.

Emily:...with a knife screaming 'Let me see your feet!'

In the end, I had to apologize to Emily Foley because this kind of crazy, random, crap happens to me ALL THE TIME (although I don't know why) and clearly poor Emily is picking up on some of my crazy-life.

Sorry Emily.

P.S.  Stayed tuned next Thursday for a very special edition of "Random Thought Thursday" where I lift pictures and commentary from the MADNESS ENSUES blog and claim them as my own.

And just so you're aware...that's gunna be me on the far left...

( img src...because stealing is wrong )

21

stealing is lame

alternate post title: the day i spent two hours adding watermarks to all of my etsy listings.

remember when some lds woman totally ripped off my posters from my momo prints shop and then offered them as free downloads on her blog?  and when i posted about it on my blog without her name,. blog name or link to her site she emailed me and said she would sue me for slander?  yeah. that was awesome.

well, yesterday it happened again.  the best part of these theiveries is that they are stealing JESUS art.  i mean, for real, how lame do you have to be?

see this poster (now aggressively watermarked?  i designed it.

yesterday a wonderful customer of my shop pointed me towards this listing...

notice my thief was smart enough to WATERMARK my stolen images.

i spent hours yesterday not only watermarking my images, but filling out crazy amounts of forms with Etsy to report the theft of intellectual property.  

blerg.

5

Valentine's Cards made Easy!

So have you picked out that special Valentine's Day card for that special someone yet?
If you have not (or if the one you picked out isn't all that special), I've got a tip for you.
Visit Treat and make a personalized Valentine's Day card. Like now.


Here are some cool cards...

For Him
For Her

Last year I got Matt this card.  He loved it!

 

Also, if you need cards for your kids' classroom, check out their sister site, Tiny Prints, for the best classroom Valentines! If you do so by January 30 and use the promo code 20JANSW you can save 20% on your entire order!

 

0

ferber is ashamed of me.

i am ALL about the ferber method.
and that's why my kids are freakin' awesome sleepers.
but last night i cracked.
9:43 pm.
wicked baby.
pushover mommy.

6

frog murderer

the inadvertent animal killer has struck again.
i am a frog murderer.

my kids have been asking for goldfish for literal years.  i keep saying they can have them when they keep their room consistently clean for one month.  this past decemeber i gave up on that ever happening and decided to surprise them with aquatic pets.

you should know i hate goldfish.

they last, like, two days. they are super-boring. they're lame.

but while on an lds mission (a gazillion years ago...when did i get so old?) i got some african dwarf frogs from a pet store. i was in love.  they stayed with me for my entire mission (18 months) and for a year or so beyond.  they were accidentally killed by my little cousin when he was frog-sitting.

so, when getting aquatic pets for my kids i decided to go with the ever resilient african dwarf frogs.  they are easier to care for, cleaner than fish and last longer.  also, they are so cool to watch. their swimming is so languid and interesting.  goldfish just kinda chill until you find them laying on their side on the surface of the water 2 days after you bought them. frogs would be perfect, right?

they died.  first one. then the other.

when the first one died, we tried to do the sitcom-switch-out, a la Arnold Drummond, but this town was out of replacement frogs. our empty bowl stood, lonely.  matt took the water to be tested at our Petco.  they said it was perfect.  so why did they die within 3 weeks?

i took to the internet.  and that's when i realized: i am a frog murderer.

when we got the frog i bought a fish bundle from wal*mart.  it came with a 1 gallon bowl, super-garish hot pink rocks/gravel, a hot pink plastic plant and other frog needs.  turns out the hot-pink gravel made it so our frogs couldn't see their food.  they basically starved to death in their own, 1 gallon, prison camp.  awful.

( the newbies while still retaining their will to live )

this week we bought two new frogs, white gravel and a lovely shell for them to hide under (african dwarf frogs love a good hiding spot) and we'll try again.

5

Thank you.

( martin luther king jr, coretta scott king and their daughter )

0

recent facebook status updates

husbands working on cars = hot.

-     -     -     -     -

matt and i are watching our way through the 

academy award best picture nominees...except one. 

because quentin terentino movies 

leave black marks on one's soul.  

even when they are edited for content on tv. 

 also, i can't handle hearing the "n" word. ever. 

 it traumatizes me.

-     -     -     -     -

yeah, our grower's market has 12 varieties of eggplant. so this is love.

-     -     -     -     -

this week my two year old said "bastard".

in related news, i'm an awesome mom. 

#mormonmomfail

-     -     -     -     -

it just took me two full hours to thoroughly clean our fridge, 

including the top, and i think i may have contracted hepatitis b in the process.

-     -     -     -     -

lance armstrong's publicist to manti te'o: 

thanks dude. i owe you one.

 -     -     -     -     -

oprah to manti teo's publicist: 

call me!

1

Why you should see "Catfish"

1. you should see it because I recommended it a year ago on my TOP 5 DOCUMENTARIES list and I am always right.  Always.

2. you pretty much have to see it now because of the hullabaloo with Manti Te'o...the term "he was catfished" is getting thrown around on all the news stations and you want to be in on it, don't you?

3. it's a really amazing film.

4. because I said so (see number 1...when are you gunna learn?) I'm talking to you, Emily Foley.

then after you watch it, you should find a way to watch episodes of the new MTV series of the same name, made by the same film makers, and which is freaking addictive.  I almost pee my pants every time someone knocks on a door to meet their internet love.

when you're done with all of that...watch the rest of my list. seriously.  then start doing everything else i do.  i mean, it's a lock for a happy life.

1

ella's school follow-up

well, the teacher email came last friday, so it's been a week.

some of you mentioned that you felt the teacher was way harsh or out of line to send the email.  i never felt that way.  i was completely caught off guard.  this was pretty much the first communication we received on this problem (except for a mild mentioning of ella sometimes rolling her eyes at our last parent/teacher conference).  i think i would have liked a bit more communication leading up to this email, but seriously, the teacher has to keep track of/teach/worry about so many kids.  i wasn't offended at all, honestly.

it's also important to note that in the subsequent emails we have exchanged she has been very complimentary and encouraging towards us, as parents.

anyhow...we set up a system where the teacher reports to us each day on ella in two categories, with specific references to her behavior in each.

respect: her attitude towards teacher, peers and others.

responsibility: her school work and school rule-keeping.

monday was stellar.

tuesday was a bit weak.

wednesday was a disaster.

thursday was better.

on wednesday ella did not finish her class work, she repeatedly talked out of turn and she said, "what the crap?!" to her reading teacher. yeah.  rough day.

since she has NO tv privileges this week to take away, in consequence she had to go to bed 30 minutes early for the responsibility issue and another 30 minutes early for the respect issue.  she also had to sit down and write an apology note to her reading teacher.

thursday evening she returned home from school and hemmed and hawed while attempting to do her homework, complaining about feeling sick.  i shut her down, prison-warden style, until i glanced at her. her face was flushed and her eyes were droopy. i took her temperature: 102.4*  she got a reprieve from the homework for now and i gave her ibuprofen and sent her to bed.

oh heavens people. it has been quite a week.

5