computer issues

our computer has had a minor freak-out.
don't know that i will be posting for the next few days
until we get it figured out.

see you soon!

8

The Shame Spiral

Oh, friends.
I feel terrible.
Terrible about this post.

Here's the thing.
Those feelings I had and the things I said
may have been true...

HOWEVER...

it goes against everything I believe in and stand for to focus on those things.  Why didn't I talk those feelings out with my husband and then take the opportunity to say a huge and public THANK YOU to the many people in my old Ward who DID love me, support me, serve me and forgive me when I was a Butt-Dog?

I hate that I replaced an opportunity to uplift with a sad rant.  It's not like me.  And it's not who I want to be.

I have bad days, just like we all do, where I am frustrated or hurt and that was one of those days.  But I still should not have posted that.  I should have quieted those critical voices in my head and focused on the good.

I am sorry.
Really, really sorry.

6

Emmy Loves Chachi: Ch. 26

*Because everyone thinks their love story is the first, best and most romantic - I give you the epic tale of 'Emmy Loves Chachi'...a drama-filled, chubby girl meets punk boy, unlikely, love story in serial form.

Leaving the Crack House & 'Museum Day'

When I returned back from my visit to Canada I was definitely not prepared for how Matt's face would look. You don't realize just how much muscle tension we hold in our faces until all muscle tension is gone.  His smile was only half a smile and his left eye hung open in a droopy mess.  But I was never so happy to see anyone waiting at the bottom of the escalators in the Salt Lake City International Airport.

Since we had last seen each other we had spoken the words I Love You to each other.  Now we were together again and nothing could mar my happiness.

A short time later my place in the Crack House was in jeopardy.  In late September a neighbor had told us our house had been reported to the housing authorities since we were only zoned for a single family residence.  We had seven, unrelated females in that big old house and that was a problem.

I packed my things and moved out of the Crack House. That was a sad day. I think back on my time there and it is filled with hi-jinx, happiness and fun.  I moved into a townhouse in Matt's same complex.  My roommates were (1) the most boring girl alive and (2) the most schizophrenic girl alive.  It was an interesting living arrangement.  But being 45 steps from Matt's front door was heaven.

During this time Matt asked me on a 'date'.  He invited me to attend a psychology lecture with him on campus that he was required to attend one evening for a class he was taking.  I went and it was mildly interesting, but soon after I declared myself our activities coordinator.

We attended some cool coffee-house style concerts in Salt Lake City, went to a classical guitar concert on the USU campus and attended the opera (our shared love) more than once.  But the best date of all was "Museum Day'.

I planned it all out. An epic journey to the Salt Lake City (and surrounding) area where we would hit up multiple museums in one Saturday.  We headed south in Matt's car early on Saturday morning and stopped at the LDS History Museum in Salt Lake City, the Springville Art Museum in Springville and the Fine Art Museum on the Brigham Young University campus in Provo, Utah. It was in the Springville Art Museum that it happened.

We were standing in the main gallery in the museum.  I had stopped in front of a large painting showing an old man with a cane and his wife sitting next to him.  It was titled "Eyes for Two".

( 'Eyes for Two' by Jane Freeman - src )

I lingered there, drawn in by this piece.  Soon Matt stood beside me. We spent twenty minutes in silence, not touching, just standing side by side, silently reflecting on the wonder and beauty of the luscious strokes of oil paint on the canvas and the meaning of this piece of art. A husband and wife together. For years. And they had become one in every sense, even sharing one pair of eyes.

We stood in silence...and our souls met. 

*To read all of the chapters in order click here.

7

sad rants from a lame-o about send offs

when you are a mormon your ward (or congregation) is like your family. you see these people SO much more than just once a week. and it's nice. really nice.

in our last ward i never felt quite accepted or loved. i wasn't sure why. i mean, i can be a doofus at times like everybody else, but something seemed off.

when i was on bed rest with bianca for twenty weeks my visiting teachers never dropped by. not even once. my friend, carrie, did come by and tackle my sink full of nasty dishes (for which i will always remember and love her). but each time i could go to church and people asked what they could do i always said, 'please invite my kids over for a playdate. it is summer and they are stuck inside'. it happened once. in twenty weeks.

i was sad. but people have their own lives going on and i just tried to let it go. but in the back of my mind i kept thinking, "i really needed help. i said exactly what i needed. and pretty much nobody helped me."

a few years back we lived in delaware for just one year. when we left our relief society (women's organization) president threw us a party. i will always remember it. good food, good friends and a little scrapbook she made with cards from the ward members, filled with love and well wishes.

( img src )

and after three years in mount joy there was nothing. of course, a few wonderful people hugged us and said goodbye. but it was a very few.  also, since moving i did receive on mean and snarky FB message from a woman in the ward. but not much else.

i have thought about my disappointment over this a lot lately.

i am not sure why i can't get past this or why i am so hurt. maybe it is because everybody wants to feel that, in some small way, they have impacted others for good.  or that their presence, once removed, might leave a hole.  maybe I'm a jerk. maybe I expected a little send off or a girlfriends lunch before i left. maybe i expected a card to be passed around relief society where friends could leave their love.

and then i realized...

if that's what i wanted and didn't get i just need to make sure that i am that person in future. that when someone leaves I arrange a send off or a small lunch or a card passed around relief society. i believe that every person wants to feel loved and needed and that they will be missed. so i am making it my personal assignment from now on to make sure that i make that happen.

8

Random Thought Thursday...err Saturday.

How come when Nate Burkus or Jeff Lewis add mismatched chairs to a Living Room it looks chic and put together, but when anyone else does it (namely me), it looks like they are furnishing their house via Goodwill?

5

My Life: the Stigma of Depression

I have been thinking about writing this post for some time. So, here it goes.

I have always been a bright and sunny person. Naturally happy and a glass-half-full-er. As I was growing up my Mother often expressed her disbelief in depression. "Oh, c'mon! Just get happy!" she would say when we observed or heard of others dealing with depression.

I went on my LDS mission (at age 21) with this thought set as my opinion on depression. However, every single mission companion I had (except for one) was diagnosed and medicated for various levels of depression before they served their mission. I got a first hand look (read: roller coaster ride) at the struggles, frustrations and realities of depression. It was hard sometimes, but I am SO grateful because I learned so much and opened my view of depression as a legitimate condition.

I came to feel that to tell someone with depression to 'cheer up' is the equivalent of telling someone having a heart attack to 'make it stop'.

After my mission I had a few college roommates who also lived with depression. One, in fact, whom I spent an entire night with, locked in a bathroom, while she contemplated taking her own life. The bathroom was splattered with blood since she had already engaged in cutting and self harm. I spoke to her mother the following day and her mother said, "I'll fly there (from Texas) and take her out to dinner and everything will be fine".

When I was pregnant with my first child, Ella, I called my older sister L and asked her for the warning signs of Postpartum Depression, which she experienced on a severe level after her pregnancies. She said emotions and hormones are all over the place after giving birth, so it's hard to tell, but that you shouldn't cry every day for 7 days in a row...even if there was a good reason on each of those days. After Ella's birth I was aware and focused on that possibility, but it never came. I was relieved.

And then I had Evangeline. There were the usual crying bouts and bitchy moments, but after 3 months, one day, I realized that I had cried every day for the previous week. Something was wrong. I contemplated if I should even mention it to my Doctor. I didn't hate my baby or feel like ending it all. I didn't wake up in the morning and dread the coming day. I just cried and snapped at my family much more often.

I decided to make an appointment just to be safe. After a good talk with my OBGYN she prescribed me a small dose of Lexapro, a pretty mild anti-depressant. I was supposed to take it and see if there was a difference after a week to ten days.

I thought of my close friends, roommates and mission companions who were medicated for depression. The common thread between them all was the feeling that their medication made them feel like they weren't themselves. They felt their personality was altered. They hated that feeling. I was worried.

But after a week the cloud lifted. The cloud that was so faint I hadn't even been sure it was there, and I felt like MYSELF again for the first time in a long time. My generally happy, half-glass-full, self.

After one year I was instructed to try to wean off the Lexapro. I tried and the weepies/bitchies returned. I tried again a year after that with the same result.

It has now been 5 years on Lexapro and I am so glad I have it. This mild depression never did lift, but that's okay. The medication allows me to be who I really am. Who I was before the depression settled in.

I still feel a bit of shame, even though I shouldn't. I feel like if people know I take an anti-depressant daily they will think I am a fragile person. Or that they need to be careful because I could break down at any moment. Or that my sunny disposition is fake. Maybe because those are all the things I would have thought before I had it myself.

But I am getting better at accepting it.

I hope this post helps some of you. Maybe it helps you accept your own depression or help another who is struggling.

*Photo is Migrant Mother by Dorothea Lange

16

be healthly: pop chips

many of you requested secrets and health tips after i shared my weight loss to date. so, here you go. a new blog series called BE HEALTHY. maybe it's a recipe or a cook book review or a great low-calorie meal at a restaurant. i'll share it here. nothing too major. just little things you can do to improve your health along with me.

now, to get started, i want you to stop what you are doing this minute and go find, buy and devour some POP CHIPS. i did not realize these were healthy when i saw them in grocery stores and then this past saturday they were a tester at Sam's Club. they were amazing. seriously.

here's what is so great about them:

- no fake colors

- no fake flavors

- no preservatives

- never baked

- never fried

wanna see how they are made?

me too.

watch this...

but you know how those Lays Baked chips are disgusting? DIS-GUSTING. these are totally and utterly delicious. i promise. my kids loved them. we all loved them.  we have only tried regular flavor so far, but you better believe i am hunting down the other flavors tonight for a mega taste test.

click here to find a store near you that sells POP CHIPS.

9

listen to em-il-ie FM

( img src )

oh. my. word.
some people/things are so lame-face.
including playlist.com

all of the sudden the music on my blog ceased playing.
this is good news for music from other blogs,
because their music is annoying,
but mine is narcissistically divine.

lots and lots and lots of you have lamented this problem.
there is a solution.

- go to www.playlist.com
- sign up for a free account
- click on this link to listen to em-il-ie FM all you want.

yeah, it's not the best, but it will do for now.
thanks for loving me and my taste in music.
you really are the coolest.

5

My Life: Seeing Stars

When I was very young I would go to my mandated visitation with my Dad in the Vancouver, BC area. He lived in a suburb, but we often went into Vancouver for shopping, fun and great Chinese food. When I was probably 8 years old we went to a Space Museum...I don't really know what it was called. But in the gift shop they sold glow-in-the-dark star stickers. My siblings and I had never seen them before (they are pretty common now) and we spent our entire allowances on them, gleefully attaching them to our ceilings, leaving the bedroom lights on to 'juice them up' and then gazing at them as we fell asleep. 

-      -      -      -      -

When I was 16, my mother sold our much loved house on 'the hill' in Logan, UT and purchased a much smaller house by the Logan LDS Temple. I was devastated, as teenagers always are when there is a move in the midst of a school year, upsetting the delicate social balance on which your entire life precariously balances.

My new bedroom was on the top floor of the new house, which was actually a very old house. It had slanted ceilings, making it necessary to place my bed's headboard in the only spot it could fit with the slanted ceilings dipping down on my left and my right side.

One day I was in a craft store and spotted tubes of glow in the dark paint. I bought 4 tubes. A kernel of an idea sprouted which led me on a hunt for the glow in the dark star packages of my youth. I found some and purchased multiple packs of each size, some small and some large. Then I went to work.

Without telling or consulting my Mother, I spent hours sticking tiny star stickers on the top and sloped sides of my ceiling, varying sizes and distance. Then I went to work with my glow-in-the-dark paint tubes, making small dots in random patterns between my blanket of celestial stickers. When I was finished I was dizzy from constantly looking up and down and I flopped onto my bed. I couldn't see anything. I left the room, leaving the lights on, and went about my day.

That night I got ready for bed and paused before I turned out the lights, wondering what my efforts had produced. I flipped the switch.

Magic.

The different packages of stars had different levels of glow, making the scene above me incredibly realistic looking. The sloped angles of my walls blanketed my with stars at every angle. It was beautiful.

( img src )

The next day, my mother entered my room and noticed the recently patched and painted ceiling covered in garish stickers and blogs of yellow neon colored paint from a tube. She was furious. There was yelling and fighting and exasperation (and rightly so) on her part. This contention went on for years...literally.

I went away on a mission and was gone for 18 months. When I returned home I returned to my starry room. One night, my Mom came up to lie beside me in bed after night fell. We had just turned out the light and were talking together when she paused and said,

"I'm still angry about the ceiling. It will take SO much work to peel off every sticker and paint over neon yellow paint when it's time to sell this house. But this ceiling really is beautiful. I feel like I am laying outside in the grass under the stars".

Then we lay there, looking at the manufactured heavens above our heads.

I will always remember that moment.

8

Life Lesson #9: Intent Before Offense

Girls,

People say stupid things ALL the time (myself included). Sometimes people say hurtful, insensitive and offensive things. In the course of your life this will happen over and over again. All the time. With you as the culprit and others the culprits. It is very important to remember this...

1. MEASURE INTENT BEFORE TAKING OFFENSE: This is a lesson your dad taught me. And it took years of practice before I could really adopt it as part of me. But it is vital if you want to save yourself, and others, unnecessary heartache. Before you react to something potentially hurtful that someone says to you, consider their intent.

Recently my good friend, Debbie, came up to me in church with tears in her eyes and asked if she had offended me. I was baffled. I must have been giving off some unknowing icy chill one day, but I was definitely not offended by her. I let her know she could NEVER offend me. Never.

And the reason I knew that is because I know that Debbie does not have one mean bone in her body. She is literally the sweetest, most sensitive woman I have ever known. So, even if she said something unknowingly rude or insensitive I would never be offended because it would be coming from a place of human error, not anger or spite.

In your life with friends, your spouse, church members or anyone else, ask yourself if their intent was to hurt or offend. In most cases it is not. And if that's the case...let it go, knowing that, at some time, you have done the same thing to someone else without malice.

* For more LIFE LESSONS click here.

9

i hate 'mailman' jokes

do people realize when the make
'mailman jokes' that they are pretty
much saying to my face that they
think i am a super-slut?

it bugs.

however....

these days i don't blame anyone
for making mailman jokes because, seriously,
where did this skin tone come from?
we're irish and scottish, kid.
not tongan.

*although, if i were going to stray,
a tongan would be right up there
on my list of inter-racial choices.
they're pretty hot.

3

family update: west chester edition

these weeks have been crazy. our van died a horrid and expensive death, so besides unpacking we are also trying to find, test and purchase a new car. that has been incredibly stressful, as has being stuck all day indoors without a car for me and the kids. but we are plugging along as best we can. we are pretty happy here and can't wait for life to return to normal.

matt - matty-cat is really enjoying his new job. he manages 6 medical practices and he has been kept on his toes with plenty of fighting, drama and reorganizing of said practices. as soon as a second car is purchased he will go to work fixing the problems with his car, which is running pretty badly at the moment.

emilie - is trying to whittle away at the boxes stacked around the house. it's going slowly. i have also gone to battle with the pool-pass managers in our neighborhood (lame). however, with our atenna tv i have discovered that i can now watch "bethenny", bethenny frankle's new talk show....um, do you know i adore her? it's good stuff. yes, tv is always a source of happiness.  yesterday i got both the girls registered for school

ella - after a week of sobbing about using the potty and then finding out that ella did NOT have a uti, i told her i thought maybe she was feeling anxious about our move. she denied it...vehemantly. but this week she said to me. "mommy, i think you were right about my pee. i think it was just from being scared." problem solved. i then went straight to our new library and put a hold on "freeing your child from anxiety".

ella is doing very well at her reading class and we have seen an improvement in her reading skills.  she still hates reading, but her fluency is improving and i hope we can get her to like reading again with continued practice at home.

evangeline - my little eva has decided she is now going to go by evangeline.  i am so happy.  i have been just slightly disappointed that her longer, beautiful name was going unused. she seems to be adjusting well.  i have made sure to talk to each girls privately often to check on their adjustment.  however, evangeline has taken to tormenting ella with her words.  she is slyly pushing ella's buttons and i hope that will fade away as she adjusts to the move.

bianca - went to her first week in nursery at church with no problems.  she has been more sunny and happy since our move.  she recently got her first real haircut and every time i look at her i think of the cover of "ramona quimby, age 8".

bianca is speaking a lot these days.  she is also hitting a lot.  we are trying to curb this new violent behavior, but it is not really changing the behavior yet.

7

two or three inches

7

Utah Bloggie Meet-Up: Summer 2012

A few of you have emailed to ask if we can have a Bloggie Meet-Up/Lunch when I am in Utah this Summer (late August, to be exact). It feels weird to plan something with the assumption that others are dying to be in my presence. Spoiler alert: I am not that exciting.

However, I love love LOVE girlfriends and food and an afternoon out...so YES. I would love to plan a meet-up.

Is a weekday afternoon okay? SLC perhaps?

6

she's helpless against being cool

Our family was just driving to look at cars and suddenly,
and without warning, Bianca starts singing along to the radio.

10

'minus' secrets

( img src )

it's not really a secret.
weight loss/healthy practices never are.
what am i doing to lose weight?

eating right and exercising.

(gasp!)

revolutionary.

i am monitoring my calories, fat and sugar intake.
and working out when i can
(which has been patchy since the move,
but packing and hauling boxes counts in my book).

i eat fruits, veggies and lean proteins and very few carbs.
when i do eat carbs they are whole grain.

when i get a sweet tooth i eat fruit or a sugar free jello/pudding.
and NO soda. none. not even diet.

TIP: diet soda is a dirty trick because carbonation stretches your stomach AND caffeine is an appetite stimulant. so every time you suck down a diet coke (which, of course, is a better choice than full sugar soda) you feel more hungry AND your stomach gets larger. no bueno.

this app is my new best friend: RESTAURANT CALORIE COUNTER -  in has nutritional info for all major restaurant chains.  at McDonalds i looked up the content of one ketchup packet. yeah, it's THAT awesome.  it tracks your weight, calories, exercising and all that good stuff.  Note: i tried several calorie apps and this was my favorite.

9

minus sixty pounds

25

i'm back - this & that

sweet judy!

the last two weeks have been some of the most stressful of my life.

my entire life, people.

but, we are here.

however, we are not even remotely 'settled'.

we are still living out of boxes, walking through small paths to get to the kitchen like an episode of hoarders, and eating off of paper plates. but, each day it gets a bit better. so i am hoping for a settled feeling soon.

here are a few random thoughts about our move...

- our neighborhood park rocks.  i love having it so close to our home.

 - our neighborhood is the friendliest of all time. each of our neighbors have come over to introduce themselves and last week there was a knock on the door. it was our mail carrier, martin, introducing himself and welcoming us to the neighborhood.

- i love west chester. a lot.

- during our first week here we visited two local libraries. our county library is just a mile or two away in one direction and our city library is a mile or two away in the opposite direction. the county library is much larger and has a better kids area, but the city library is pretty cool looking. it is, in fact, the coolest public library ever.

- i feel like crying every time i think about the fourth of july. we did nothing.  no fireworks. no parades. nothing.

- we realized today we have no microwave.

- the girls are loving their loft room.  and bianca is sleeping longer each morning in her new crib.  it's heaven.

- today we get to attend church in our new ward (congregation) and i can't wait for the girls to meet some new friends.  oh, and me too.  i want friends as well.

- when/if we ever get this home unpacked are functioning i know it is going to be great.  we love it here already.

11

Tell All: Smarty-Pants

The Random Integer choose Question #91 from The Complete Book of Questions.

Q.  WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW?

A.

Probably my Father-In-Law, Dennis.  In my opinion, he is smart in the three ways and that makes his total intellegence pretty high.

Book Smarts - Dennis is extremely book smart. He is an excellent and respected Clinical Psychologist and he speaks with intelligence about his field and also pretty much every other field.  His knowledge extends to science, arts, math, and everything in between.  he is a great person to have a hearty discussion with.

Wisdom - Dennis is great at giving advice. He has wisdom (read: he's old...just kidding).  He gives practical advice and I know we can always call him with a problem and he will take an intellegent, wise and appropriate position.  He gives advice without condescension which is always nice.

Problem Solving - Dude, the guys kind of genius.  A few years back he explained to me a system he had worked out to solve a Rubix Cube in mere minutes.  I think I remember he had a similar system with Sudoku which made him lightning fast at working through puzzles.  I love doing crossword puzzles with him...we make a great crossword puzzle team.

*to read other posts in this series click here.

3

Tell All: Seat Selection

The Random Integer choose Question #288 from The Complete Book of Questions.

Q.  DO YOU PREFER WINDOW OR AISLE?

A.

Window.  
 Doesn't everybody?
Like, does someone actually LOVE the aisle?
And the middle? Worst seat ever.

*to read other posts in this series click here.

11

Tell All: Maintenance Level

The Random Integer choose Question #121 from The Complete Book of Questions.

Q.  ARE YOU A HIGH MAINTENANCE PERSON?

A.

No. I take a 5 minute shower,
10 minutes to do hair and make-up.
I own 2-3 pairs of shoes.
I go with the flow.

However...

I am THE most high maintenance person you know when order food at a restaurant.
This is pretty much me...


(if you can't view it click here.)


*to read other posts in this series click here.

8

Happy Birthday Michelle!

Happy birthday to my sister in law, Michelle.
You're crazy-awesome and you are also WAY more important than America.
I'm just saying'.

1

Tell All: the Sound & the Fury

The Random Integer choose Question #89 from The Complete Book of Questions.

Q.  WHAT SOUNDS DRIVE YOU CRAZY?

A.

- people chewing
- the beep when your smoke detector needs a battery change
- fork scraping plate
- loud bass sounds when you pull up next to a car at a stop light
- George W. Bush's speaking voice

*to read other posts in this series click here.

8

Tell All: Allergies

The Random Integer choose Question #166 from The Complete Book of Questions. Here's the question...

Q.  WHAT ALLERGIES DO YOU HAVE?

A.

GOOSE DOWN - I spent my teenage years snuggled up each night in a cozy down comforter.  And each morning I awoke with a strange hacking cough and an itchy throat.  Did it ever occur to me that I may be allergic to down?  Nope.   I kept rocking this blanket after High School and after my mission.  I took it with me to college (at BYU) and, one day, my room-roommate said,

"So if you're allergic to down how come you sleep with a down comforter?"

Huh? Oh. my. gosh. I am allergic to down.

-     -      -      -      -

BACTRIM - I get frequent UTI's (fun-share, I know).  It runs in the women in my family, stemming from my Scottish Grandmother. 

Bactrim is a certain type of antibiotic that is used to fight UTI's.  The first time I took it was about 5 years ago.  Now, you know I am a super-hypochondriac...keep that in mind as I relay this story.

I take a dose of Bactrim one night to treat a UTI.  The next day, completely unrelated, I started feeling my left arm hurt. It felt tense and slightly achy. I was with Matt and his brother, Jon, and my hypochondria started to set in.  

Me: Matt. I think I am having a heart attack. Isn't that a thing? Your left arm aching?  You, like, clutch your arm and then you go down and then you die. I'm having a heart attack!

Matt: I think it's shooting pain down your arm. Not a general ache.

Me: No. I'm pretty sure I'm dying.

That night I was in shower and I felt a large, disk shaped, lump on my bum, where the crease of your bum meets your leg.  I emerged from the shower, rattled and convinced of a new ailment.

Me: Matt, I have bum cancer.  I have a tumor in my bum.

Matt: I don't think you have cancer.

Me: I totally do!  You are going to feel so bad when you realize I have cancer!  Feel my bum!

Matt: Just make an appointmnent to see the doctor tomorow morning.

Matt went to sleep and I stayed up all night long, worrying about how I was going to tell my mother that I had bum-cancer.

The next day the doctor informed me I had regular old hives and switched the antibiotic.

-     -      -      -      -

PEANUTS - This one I am totally mad about.  I love peanuts and peanut butter. Love. Halloween is all about the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and mini Snickers.

Every year, at Christmas, I make batches and batches of homemade peanut brittle because it's the best holiday treat in the world.  And every year, in the bottom of our Christmas stockings is a bag of shelled peanuts.  I don't even want to admit the kind of sneaky plays I do when I eat at 5 Guys to smuggle their shelled peanuts out of the restaurant.  It's kind of obsessive

But the Christmas after I had Bianca I started to feel sick.  I felt so sick that eating was hard to do so, to get protein in, I would eat my Christmas stocking peanuts.  Every day.  It took me a few months to realize that my pregnancy had caused a late-onset allergy to my passion:  peanuts.

When testing this my doctor had me eat just one Tablespoon of peanut butter and it made me physically ill. I was heart broken (and a little resentful...stupid pregnancy side effects).  I now eat almond butter...which is not very good, despite my loving almonds.

Goodbye peanuts....I miss you so!

*to read other posts in this series click here.

9