This & That Thursday

Just because this dress didn't make it from China in time for her Chinese birthday party doesn't mean she won't get use out of it. She would sleep in it if I let her. 

It's official I need a nanny. 

It's been kind of nice having Evangeline home from school for two days. We get to just hang out watch movies together. Sadly, it all ends tomorrow when she goes back to school.  

Judes vocabulary has exploded in the last week. He is saying a lot of words. It's so nice when these little people can actually communicate what they want. 

Do I need to buy a spiralizer?

Jenny Lemmons and I made a pact to dye our hair crazy colors this summer. 

If we are not necessarily outdoorsy people is going to Yellowstone still fun?

I might get to see Emily Foley next week. It's been seven years! Squeeeee!

I cannot adjust to prime time starting at 7 PM. It's just so early!!!

My Visiting Teachers came today and we had the best visit. One commented that last time she came my house was too clean and she was happy to see it more messy today. And I love her for it. 

Dunkin Donuts are so much better than Krispy Kreme. 

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The Great Finger Crunch of 2015

At 11:00 this morning I got a call from the Elementary School. Evangeline got her finger crushed in a large, heavy door at school. I had to take her to Urgent Care with the two babies in tow.

It was brutal.

At Urgent Care they did x-rays and then cleaned her finger (while the babies screamed). It turns out her finger is fractured. But they also had to completely remove the fingernail. They numbed her finger by giving her shots in the webs between her fingers (worst ever). After removing the nail they gave her three stitches in the nail-bed and then they put the fingernail back on. I was covering her eyes with my hand and accidentally saw them rip off the nail. I still feel totally nauseous just thinking about it.

She was crying so hard that they considered giving her oxygen because her blood oxygen level plummeted since she was hyperventilating.

While they worked on her I held her tightly and told her stories. About the time when I was seven years old and I won the Cache County Pie Baking Contest. About the first year Daddy and I were married and for his birthday all we could afford for his gift was a 2 Liter of Dr. Pepper. About the puppy we found in an abandoned house when I was 5 years old that became our family dog and lived until I was in my 20's. About the college class I took where we taught a chicken to play the piano. About some Elders on my mission who trained a squirrel to stay in their apartment and named him Chub-Chubs. About a hotel I stayed in once with a pink bathtub and pink toilet and pink sink and pink tiles. About these amazing neon fish that Bianca and I saw last week at WalMart that are the coolest fish I have ever seen.

We were in Urgent Care for 3.5 hours! We left two hours after Jude's scheduled nap time and he was a mess. We made a quick stop at Jamba Juice for Evangeline to get the treat of her hearts desire. In the 12 minutes it took is to drive home the numbing was wearing off and she was sobbing in pain.

At home I helped her change into soft, comfy clothes and made a little bed on the couch. She took some Children's Ibuprofen and soon the crying had stopped. I ran to the store (while Matt stayed with her) and got a fish tank and fish owner supplies (tomorrow we will be getting three little neon fish). I also grabbed two movies at the Redbox that I guessed she might like.

When I got home she started watching the new version of "Annie" and requested we have Funeral Potatoes for dinner. JUST Funeral Potatoes. I obliged.

This is the worst medical mishap we have had in this family so far. I know we've been lucky, but was this ever a rough day.

We also have to reschedule her baptism, which was supposed to happen this Saturday, but will have to be moved back a month or two.

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The Sudden Realization

I realized with sudden clarity on Sunday evening that I am dealing with postpartum depression.  I mention it here because I think people need to talk more openly about PPD. 

Let me share what I think is the most helpful information I was given about recognizing it. If you cry for seven days in a row (no matter what the reason) you need to be checked for depression. 

I waited too long to seek help the first time I had PPD because I thought I had to "hate my baby", dread every day, or have thoughts of suicide. I never had those symptoms. I got help (in the form of medication) and it gave me ME back. What a blessing! 

There is no need to feel sad, cry, or struggle to find joy in life. Your body GREW A HUMAN and sometimes that changes hormones and effects brain balance. There is no shame in this. 

So we've upped my dose of antidepressants and I am patiently waiting for two or three weeks for the full effects to kick in. In the meantime I've had a lot of help from my kids and Matt. I've been finding a little bit of time each day to do something creative in the form of doodling word art. If you follow me on Instagram I'm sure you have seen the sketches. It has really helped. 

I'm very hopeful that the increased dose of medication will get me back to normal before too long. If not we'll have to try changing it up to a different medication and see how that goes. 

In the meantime I'm afraid the blog posts here have become rather sporadic. Stick with me - I'll be back!

ONE FINAL NOTE: Postpartum or not, if you have cried every day for seven days in a row (no matter what the reason) talk to your doctor. There are all kinds of remedies - some natural and some medicinal. There's no need to try and "handle it" on your own. 

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Eeyore Observation

Eeyore was such a lame-o. I'll never understand why Winnie and the others didn't freeze him out of their group. 

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Midnight Doubts of a Mother of Five

Oh, sad, little, neglected blog. 

These days are so filled up with everything that I am rarely able to come up for air. 

On certain days I realize I haven't gotten to the laundry in 5 days or written on this blog or done anything soul-satisfying and it makes me feel anxious. I wonder if I am not cut out for this many kids. I wonder if I will always feel like this. Are the next 20 years of my life going to be spent in a whirlwind of daily tasks and obligations that never end?

I really love my kids and our family. A family I never hoped to deserve and never dreamed I would have, but tonight (as I lay in bed writing this after midnight) I miss my past life. Lazy days with just two kids. Going to the park. Meeting with friends for lunch with a manageable amount of children with me. Being invited to dinners and parties. Do you realize your days of dinner invites are over once your offspring number exceeds two? I get it. I totally get it, but I also long for those simpler times. 

I used to craft and scrapbook and read every day. Now I can't even shower every day. No time for a five minute shower. 

And sometimes I wonder...have I lost me? Am I still there beneath the stained tshirt and yoga pants? Have I morphed permanently into an adult who calls the toilet a "potty" even when speaking to other adults? (Shudder!)

It's a sacrifice to have kids. We all know that. But to what extent? I'm not sure. When you have five kids the percentage of YOU they require leaves almost nothing left. And sometimes (a lot of times) they suck more than 100% of you by requiring you to give more than there even is. 

These ramblings are "supposed" to end with some cheesy line about how it is all worth it or how each child has made my heart grow larger. And that's all true, but right at this moment, the doubts and questions have overshadowed those very justified cliches and left me feeling a bit lost. 

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