If you know me at all (or read this blog) you know this was a hard pregnancy for me, emotionally. We were so surprised by the news that we were expecting a 5th baby. That mental adjustment was hard. I was filled with fear. People were very sweet and most often, others would say, "As soon as you hold that baby in your arms you will fall in love". I hoped that was true but my deepest fears were that it wouldn't come true.
I am not a person who thinks all babies are beautiful. I knew when Ella was going through an awkward phase at 5 months old and looked remarkably like Donald Trump. I don't think my kids never lie. All kids lie. I love them, they are my favorites, but I am not blinded by sheer affection to life's quirks.
As we came closer to Delivery Day with Cecilia, the deepest part of me wondered, Will I hold this baby and feel...nothing? Will I resent her still? Will I have to pretend to be excited?
Delivery Day came and I saw Cecilia briefly right after her birth and then they sent her to my hospital room with Matt while they finished sewing me up.
When I was finally taken to my room I got to really hold her and look at her for the first time. And I was flooded and completely overwhelmed with these feelings...
You belong with us.
We needed you.
I am so glad you're here.
I love you so much.
And then I sobbed, not realizing just how afraid I had been that I wouldn't have those feelings. But I do. And, for the first time since we found out we were pregnant, I know it's going to be okay. It's going to be difficult for this first year, but it's also going to be wonderful. We didn't even know it, but GOD knew it. We needed her.
12 comments
Amen. Sending you and those beautiful babies all the love and smooches I can! :)
Like:)
This is the sweetest thing I have ever read.
Aww, I love you my friend. You are an amazing mother and I had no doubt that you would be smitten. You are the best. Hugs and much rest to you!! Loves.
I love that. It's been one if my favorite life lessons that I've learned this past 3 years. God has a plan for YOU, and it's perfect. Better than you would ever plan for yourself.
I relate to this post so much. I felt all the same emotions with my sweet Simon. After eight and a half months of crying and worrying because he was a HUGE surprise I really wondered if there would be a disconnect between us. Just like you, the first time I got to hold him, I knew that our family was finally complete and that we needed him. Once again the Lord knew better. I just needed time to see it on my own.
I think because you were so closer up to the trial and having a tough preggo with Jude, that you couldn't see what Heavenly Father's plan was and that happens to a lot of us. It's normal. I think all of your closest friends knew you would love her, but you just needed to talk about it and we all loved being here for you.
I loved what you said on the phone "She's perfect" and she so is! Her tiny little face is perfect, her name is perfect and now you are a mama to 5...which is perfect. It's fun to think that your family is now complete and I look forward to that feeling someday :) SO...SO Happy for you and again... she is so perfect and beautiful. I love her tiny little nose. Love and adore you Em!
I think more people need to be open about these things. I was in labor for 26 hours and pushed for 3 of those with my first son. When I finally had him, I was so exhausted and pretty much just wanted to sleep. I didn't have a lot of interest in him. After I got some rest, I was so excited to see him and fell instantly in love. I initially felt some guilt about my feelings immediately after birth. You don't hear people talk about that.
I also have two kids that are 12 months apart. I freaked out at the beginning of my pregnancy and my husband really freaked out. But 8 years later, I can say that there have been difficult periods but overall, I think it has worked out just the way it was supposed to.
Congrats on your new beautiful baby! Enjoy this time with her.
This photo is just perfect, as is this post. And now you really know she's your last - and you can cherish everything just a little more. ;)
That photo is amazing. You are such a powerful writer. I loved reading this and relating. Thinking of you guys.
this is beautiful. what a blessing. what a relief. what joy.
This made me cry all over again (at work no less, so thanks for that). I'm so happy for you and your family. And so hopeful for myself.
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